Balance

It took me forever to come up with a new year's resolution this year. I like to do just one or two, make it attainable. Yes, I could resolve to lose weight. I've been losing weight all my life and it's a bit old and boring after nearly 45 years. I could resolve to save more money, get a job, quit coffee, do something virtuous. Last year I resolved to do something creative each and every day, even for a few minutes. That worked and has helped me to be happy. There were just a few weeks this summer when my Dad was in the hospital that I couldn't do anything but tread water.

So, I've decided that my resolution this year is to achieve balance in my life. Balance my parents and my children, my husband, my house, my interests and my passions. It's a tall order, it's going to take a lot of baby steps, many false starts to find the right path.

Yes, my parents need me. They need me to be there once or twice a week, to check on them, make sure their medicines, appointments, house arrangements, etc. are all in order. But do they really need all of me? Do I need to spend a full 8 or 10 hours with them twice a week? How about shorter visits with and without the kids, hurricanes of activity surrounding my father's off times when he naps and my mother's daily hour and a half long trips to the grocery store.

Yes, my children need me, but not all of me. Yes, they need to learn, but they do better most of the time without me. With Medium and Large, at least, I need to set parameters and walk away. Small needs to become a strong reader, then he'll be fine on his own too. They are on their way to becoming life long learners, I don't want to mess that up with too much structure. I usually impose structure as a result of my own worry or panic over their progress. I need to let go.

Other people need me, too. But mostly, I need them. It's time to nurture my relationships - with Mark, with my friends and family. These past six months I've been more of a dead weight in the mix, I need to create space to live with them.

Today, we went out to my parents'. I arranged their calendar, actually hanging it on the wall. Made sure their appointments were on it, asked their aide to go over the calendar with my mother every day, called various doctors to get the appointment dates and times correct. When the dentist office called because Mom wasn't there, and asked her to come in at 3:30, I said we had to leave at 2. Instead of bagging my workout again, for the fifty third straight time, because someone else needed me, I made it a priority. And, unbelievably, the world did not fall apart. Mom was able to reschedule for a few mornings out when the aide could be with my father. It felt selfish to put myself first, but I'll get over that.

Probably these aren't baby steps for me. They are big steps. It's as if I worked long and hard to become my own self, achieved that for a good 20 years and then had it all swept away from me when my parents declined. A dear friend, who is caring for her mother heroically through many worse health problems, said once "My life is not my life anymore." I need my life to be mine as well as my parents' and my children's. I need it all to mesh just a little bit better than it has been.